40/40 Club: A '40th Anniversary of Trading Places + Sixers Last Title' NBA Preview
40 years is a long time. Four decades. Seven presidents, four of them re-elected. In ‘82/’83 the Philadelphia 76ers sat atop the NBA standings with a 65-17 record, nine games better than the Boston Celtics who the Milwaukee Bucks swept like trash out front of Sal’s Famous in the East Semis. The Lakers won the West with a distant-second place league finish of 58-24, reaching a fourth straight NBA Finals before Moses Malone destroyed Kareem so badly he seemed ready to go see his old friend Bruce Lee.
All four of these teams are going to be major factors in the 2022/2023 NBA season. Three likely for competitive reasons. The fourth more likely due to the power of brand synergy between the LA Lakers, the city of Los Angeles aka the entertainment capital of the Earth, and LeBron James...as well as how our current First Take ‘toxic’ media culture coverage loves messy (or is that Russy?) things.
Late ‘82 into ‘83 was a magical time in the city of Philadelphia. The city was still basking in the afterglow of its bicentennial celebrating rebirth, and unprecedented sports success at the top of the decade. Championship appearances for all four pro sports teams in 1980, including the first World Series win in the Phillies history. Returns to the NBA Finals for the Sixers in 1982, before landing the final piece, Moses, who then helped the prior year’s team part the league like the Red Sea in 1983, until Lil Bambino was getting intercepted at the front door before first grade by Uncle John for their parade out on Broad Street. Another World Series visit for the ‘83 Phillies aka the “Wheez Kids”.
Philly as a film setting was a relatively new thing at the time. So was movie star Eddie Murphy, just a year or two out of his teens. Before Trading Places chose Christmastime Philadelphia as the backdrop for a savagely accurate skewering of Wall Street culture, Philadelphia’s biggest claim to celluloid fame was, you guessed it. And if you didn’t, here’s a hint: there’s another related movie, NINTH with some combinations of these characters, directed by star Michael B Jordan, arriving March 2023.
Wondering when that iconic statue of a fictitious character arrived on those cinematic Art Museum steps, before being relocated to outside the Spectrum where patrons went to watch the Sixers win? You guessed it, ‘82/’83. It was a time period that saw the Sixers crowned champions on the court and at the Broad & Pattison box offices. Meanwhile, in the wake of 48 Hours the next success of Trading Places meant departing SNL in 1984, hosting the first MTV VMA’s, and solidifying Eddie Murphy to become the decade’s biggest box-office star.
“AYO…Where’d This Building Go?”
“Ain’t Nothin’ Like The Real Thing, Baby”-Marvin Gaye and Phantastic Philly Girl Tragically Gone-Way-Too-Soon Tami Terrell
For this Wudder Sports NBA Over/Under Preview, we revisit a faded childhood memory, re-watch a classic starring a 21-year-old wunderkind version of Eddie Murphy in a Philly-based-movie, compare team Vegas futures to our gut feelings, then smash it up in the hopes of bringing good juju for the NL Champ Phillies, undefeated Birds, and returning Sixers….like our version of saging-the-Boston-Garden for New Jerseyan-turned-interstellar-traveler Kyrie Irving. Here’s hoping this Sixer campaign becomes a classic in the vein of Trading Places or Doc & Big Moe’s Fo-Fo-Fo, rather than another early exit or impending mediocrity like the forthcoming Beverly Hills Cop 4 or Creed III.
Below in alphabetical order by city, is a blurb, the Trading Places quote deemed appropriate, along with an over/under Vegas call, for every NBA team. So relax, kick back, in spots blessed with superior sangies, maybe grab a hoagie with something coolly refreshing to drink, then read ‘em and weep.
We call this style of blognostification the quart-of-blood technique.
Atlanta Hawks 45.5
UNDER.
The Hawks have proven themselves to be dangerous in the playoffs even as a barely .500 team in the regular season.
The big swing they took this offseason to bring in All-Star Spur guard Dejountae Murray looked like an all-or-nothing kind of move on the surface, but either ballyhooed member of what could become a Top 3 NBA backcourt will have value as an asset regardless…not that the Hawks would ever think about moving ATL DeBarge anyway…just saying. They also moved on from some of the floatsom-and-jettson on the roster: Cam Reddish wasn’t going to work out on this team, Danillo Galinarri is aging and Bogdan Bogdanovic (once healthy) can fill. Kevin “Holla, Holla, It’s…” Huerter, aka Red Velvet, is gone which hurts (seewutidthere) but John Collins got paid plus inherited more shots in the exchange so perhaps his public grousing with Young or the brass will slow as he matures.
But that’s a lot of moving parts for Head Coach Nate McMillan to deal with on the fly. There will likely be some rough spots along the way, so I’ll take the under here while conceding it could be one of the biggest coin-flips on the docket.
Billy Ray: What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?
Coleman: Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.
It’s gonna take some time for two backcourt players accustomed to running the offense and taking the most shots to adjust.
But both are highly skilled and have a vested interest in this working.
Boston Celtics 53.5
OVER.
The Celtics starting the year as the highest win total favorite in Vegas feels odd for a few reasons: they’ve never finished with that many regular season wins nor been a one seed in Tatum/Brown Era (no that Isiaah Thomas Career Sacrifice 2016/2017 season doesn’t count), other teams not at full health (MIL) last playoffs or upgrading their roster on paper more dramatically (ATL, CLE, PHL) make this maybe the most competitive East in this millennium, Robert “Timelord” Williams III will be out until January, Al Horford is old, and the first-year-head-coach who led them to their first NBA Finals in their career is suspended for the year for backroom whispered issues.
All that being said, Tatum and Brown are still relatively young and really good. Marcus Smart is still the second most decorated Green Goblin from the Dallas Metro Area currently playing pro sports in Boston, behind current-Patriot/Super-Bowl-Winner-As-a-Bird-Beating-the-Patriots Jalen Mills of course. If he can stay healthy, the Malcolm Brogdon signing was a stroke of genius by Brad Stevens. They also were a .500 team for the first three months of last season before righting the ship, so them winning three more games with a team that just went to the Finals getting off to a competitive start makes this a reasonable ask.
^^^You Embarrassed This Woman?!?
“We’re From Haddonfield, Couldn’t Be Prouder”
“By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You sleep on the couch.”-Ophelia
I don’t know what exactly Head Coach Ime Udoka did, but it’s safe to say he messed up massively on a multitude of levels.
Brooklyn Nets 50.5
UNDER.
This Brooklyn Nets team has no precedent nor way to evaluate its future. They could win 70 or 30 and neither would be surprising. We know Kevin Durant is great and loves to play. The other two? For far different reasons, give us reasons to stop believing. And I’ve seen basketball coaches that I’ve liked named Steve…but Nash is more Lavin than Kerr or even Clifford. No thanks, bruh.
“Uncertainty excites me
babe
Who knows what's going to happen?
Lottery or car crash
Or you'll join a cult”-These lines from 1995 hit “Possibly Maybe” by Icelandic-Pixie-Legend/longtime-BK-resident Bjork sum up the Nets fairly perfectly. If anyone really has a handle on them, I suggest they wager on it and use their winnings to buy Bjork’s Brooklyn Heights penthouse, on sale for 9 million.
If I got to pick a side, might as well take the one I’d selfishly rather see…which is New York’s Clippers playing like the Larry Brown Knicks.
“Ya see, you gotta play the game the right way”(c)The Beady-Eyed Snake
“Poor deluded creature, we caught him pilfering at our club, embezzling funds, selling drugs, now he’s dressing up like Santa Claus. Very sordid business.”-Randolph Duke
At this point, believing in Ben Simmons delivering on the potential that made him a prodigy, while overcoming his steadfast refusal to even pretend to shoot a jump shot or make free throws at a coin-flip clip, is a little bit like believing in Santa Claus. We wish him all the best, despite anyone thinking a Philly fan who never wanted him traded has some lingering bitterness, but tricks are for kids.
Charlotte Hornets 33.5
UNDER.
To say the Hornets had a disastrous offseason would not do this mess justice. Their leading scorer, Miles Bridges, was accused of committing domestic violence heinous, and likely provable, enough to put him out of the sport for the season. That probably means your leading scorer for this season is now “Scary” Terry Rozier, an undersized shoot-first-point-guard while the Hornets’ best player is point guard LaMelo Ball. Your thoughts Gordon Heyward at his contract as an asset is up to you. Charlotte won 43 games with Bridges last season. This season they’re line is set at 33? That should tell you something. If they’re faltering at the All-Star-Break, in a much-improved Eastern Conference, wouldn’t trading veteran talent for flexibility plus ping-pong balls be a strong possibility? Charlotte isn’t a free-agent destination. The only way they land players like Lamelo is thru the draft, with this year’s draft said to be one of the best in recent memory.
“May I Suggest Using Your Night Stick, Officer?”-Billy Ray Valentine
Google the details on the Bridges situation if you have the stomach for it. That’s all on that for now.
Chicago Bulls 41.5
UNDER.
Everything that happened in the first half or so of the season was a pleasant surprise in Chicago. Reminded Bulls Fans of the early days under Tom Thibodeau. Or Knick Fans of Thibs first year that took them to the playoffs a year ago. Or Raptors fans of DeMar DeRozen’s best days in Toronto. But there’s a sell-by-date on everything here. And by the time they got to the end of last year’s campaign, sans injured Lonzo Ball and Alex Caruso, this team was ready to collapse from the next gust of wind in Chicago.
Now at the dawn of a new season in a mid-Fall that likely feels like Winter…the ongoing bad news on Lonzo’s injury status is cold, joe.
“I told you we shouldn’t have committed everything, you asshole!”-Mortimer Duke to Randolph Duke
In what feels like maybe the third or fourth time since MJ won the sixth, the Bulls find themselves fully committed financially to a core that has zero chance of winning a championship.
Cleveland Cavaliers 47.5
“Hey fellow kids and teammates, do you wanna hear again about the time LeBron won this city its first championship since the Civil Rights Act passed, while I was guarding Steph Curry on the perimeter for the Finals-closing miss?
OVER.
The Cavs remind me a bit of an Eastern Conference Pelicans team. I’m not saying Evan Mobley is Zion Williamson, but he’s better defensively while being built far more sturdily for regular-season game regularity. He looks like potentially a Young Poor Man’s KG. That fits with a backcourt of scorers in Darius Garland and big-ticket-trade-acquisition Donovan Mitchell. Add Jarret Allen down there with him and they’re stout defensively, while they add more scoring with Kevin Love or Caris LaVert off the bench. If or when Ricky Rubio returns from ACL surgery he could provide a facilitator to spell either of their starting shoot-first star guards.
"I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you."-Billy Ray Valentine
Did you notice how happy Danny Ainge and Donovan Mitchell looked at their respective pressers post-trade? These two wanted nothing to do with each other, but played nice long enough to get a deal done. And why not? It helped both get what they want. Mitchell looked like he just got done a bid in Joseph Smith Latter Day State Prison. He may not have known before, but upon arriving to a Cavs team that didn’t give up Garland or Mobley, he realized quick he’s better off not being a Knick. Cleveland can be something.
Dallas Mavericks 48.5
OVER.
Luka Doncic is a straight-up savage. By age 21, he’d already become one of my favorite players to hit the league not playing for my team since the beginning of LeBron James. Favorite white player of my lifetime because while I love Larry Bird, I rooted against him as a kid because I hate the Boston Celtics. It’s sad that Cuban seems to be giving him the workload of carrying it like the last half of Dirk’s career, but it is what it is. I’ll give Luka with some shooters and defenders, plus great coaching by an evolved-into-it-on-the-third-try Jason Kidd, 49 or more wins a year for the rest of the decade.
"This place is a dump... but it's cheap, it's clean, and it's all mine."-Ophelia
Luka Da Don.
No business comes thru Big D without his okay…even if it’s done by his model-hot Mom.
Denver Nuggets 49.5
OVER.
This might be one of the easiest overs on the docket. Denver won 47 games with basically just Jokic last season. 47 the year before without Jamal Murray in only 72 not 82 games. 46 in the bubble season of 73 before that. You mean to tell me getting their second and third best players back healthy with Jokic coming off back-to-back MVPs that they can’t cross the threshold to 50?!?
Who are they, the Washington Wizards?!? Please. They have the horses, coaching consistency, and a built-in homecourt advantage higher than anybody in the Mile High City. 50 wins, particularly in the West where many of their closest regional rivals (OKC, Utah, San Antonio, Houston, Sacramento) will presumably be bad or tanking should be easy.
“Those men wanted to have sex with me!”-Louis Wintorpe III
Nuggets Fans, Basketball Nerd Twitter and Analytic Dorks who have way too many platforms while speaking to all their fellow bros consistently love telling you how great Jokic is. Yet have no answer for his repeated failures to be competitive in playoff series, his lack of defense, the team’s need to run everything thru him being a contributing factor in his gaudy stats, or how when he’s mad he takes cheap shots and seems to almost purposefully get tossed from elimination games.
Pardon us for viewing #DoughboySwept with at least some degree of skepticism based on those things as he accepts MVPs on Zoom. If he gets a third this year for doing the same, just rename it to the GTBW-playing-for-a-team-that-we-don’t-see-enough-to-raise-the-ire-of-NBA-writer-Coastal-Elite-agenda trophy. Of course that wouldn’t have a ring to it, but then again neither does he.
Detroit Pistons 29.5
OVER.
Look, I’m not saying the Detroit Pistons, who have bad so long that I can’t pinpoint the last time they were good, are going to winners in ‘22/’23. All I can say is they appear headed in the right direction. “Motor” Cade Cunningham looks like he could be the real thing. Dwayne Casey is a professional coach who also became the first coach to be fired in a season where he’d won Coach of the Year after the annual Kyle Lowry/Demar DeRozan playoff flameout. Detroit won 24 games last year, getting six more in Cade’s second season doesn’t feel like like too much for a young team on the come up.
“Chugga-Lugga-Motion-Like-A-Railway-Train Now”-Little Eva
These Carole King-penned words from the theme song of the Amtrak Railcar Costume Party portion of the movie, which nearly derails it with a tonal shift into slapstick ridiculousness for a minute, also wow, we had forgotten about *that costume* Dan Akroyd had on…but this flick gave “The Loco-Motion” a second life years before Kylie Minogue.
Why put it this spot? Eh…Motown, Motion, Pistons, Gears Chugging.
This team has momentum and we’re not above occasionally stretching like a kid battling an usher on a Detroit Dance Cam ;)
Golden State Warriors 51.5
OVER.
It’s been a bit of a strange offseason for the Warriors as defending champs. Shortly after Klay finally sobered up in the wake of the champagne campaign, the bill came. Time to pay guys like Jordan Poole, Andrew Wiggins, but not Gary Payton Junior. Not to mention dealing with the always testy Draymond Green….firebrand championship “leader”, or erratically petty donkey-faced Mister Triple Single nu-media-assholist, depending on how you look at it. Consider The Wudder firmly seated in Column B, while knowing the Warriors’ brass aren’t dumb enough to make his contract with two years left on it, their priority.
“The disease of more” is a sports conceptual phrase Pat Riley introduced to the masses in a book in the nineties. It was meant to describe how self-interest can take championship teams into different directions when defending titles. The irony that Coach Riles would miss these warning signs in himself at times only lends more credence to its truthfulness. The Warriors in this Joe Lacob-owned, Steve Kerr-shepherded era, have a system tho. And that system, of course, is Steph Curry. So expect once balls begin to bounce for the controversies to settle down quick, fast, in a hurry, don’t worry…The Green-Eyed-Three-Point-Bandit’s vision is never blurry. Steph may not be as selfless, self-effacing, or floor-raising a superstar as Tim Duncan was…but he’s easily the NBA’s closest thing since the end of the Obama Administration.
“It ain’t cool being no jive turkey, so close to Thanksgiving.”
Someone please tell Dray Day to STFU or prepare for Trade Day. We’ve seen the Warrrios when he had to be the guy, it meant one of the worst teams in the league before he quit on the season. We saw how bad he was offensively in the Finals prior to Kerr’s benching in Game 5, which he then went on his podcast to talk about. But maybe Dray knows all this already and is thinking his mouth might expedite his ticket out. And on that, he just might be as right as that overhand right to his smaller teammate’s jaw was wrong. Moving Along…
Houston Rockets 23.5
UNDER.
23.5 is about as low as an O/U bidding line in Vegas can go. This team didn’t need to dump talent to be a legitimate contender on the Short List of teams competing for the most ping-pong balls to land Victor Wembanyama. NBA League Pass obsessives can keep their eyes on Jalen Green while never seeing this squad compete for anything but a lottery-blessed dream.
“No, no, sir, it sounds interesting. Very original. Well, it’s your house, sir, and I work for you. I shall make the necessary arrangements…what a scumbag.”
Paul Silas’ kid is now by my guestimate the second black legacy head coaching hire in NBA history. But this situation is much more of a setup for disaster than anything Bernie Bickerstaff’s kid J.B. ever had to see. His firing sometime just before this previously gutted, begging-to-grow-up team turns the corner feels like a fait accompli.
Indiana Pacers 23.5
UNDER.
Indiana has always been a smaller-market team in a ‘basketball purist’ state that prided itself on being above things like tanking.
Uh-huh. Well…”Look Who’s Dancin’ Now” as Ziggy Marley & The Melody Makers used to sing.
I like Tyrese Haliburton, but this tank roster is an M4 Sherman. Now you’re learning.
”Hello Security? Merry Christmas!”
Will Myles Turner and Buddy Hield be here when the real NBA season arrives Christmas Day?
Los Angeles Clippers 52.5
OVER.
Remember how excited Steve Ballmer was when the Clippers won the NBA Summer Free Agency Derby which landed them Kawhi Leonard and then Paul George via forced trade into contract extension? That will have been four years ago this June. If the Clippers don’t have something to show for that, like the first Finals appearance in franchise history to help speed-up Ballmer’s plans to bulldoze the Forum and give the Clips their own arena next to SoFi Stadium? There’s at least one disturbingly excitable billion-dollar boy who won’t find that lack of success pretty damn cool. Luckily for all involved, if the two franchise linchpins can remain upright, after what shoulda been plenty of rest, the rest of the roster is more than enough to have them over this number and playing into the summer.
“I can see…I have legs….I can walk…Praise Jesus!”-Billy Ray Valentine
And just like that…after a two-year-absence, with many people already wondering about his level of Clips buy-in even before that, Kawhi Leonard…iiiiizz BACK! At least for now. So LA Clippers fans (a few due exist) and NBA witnesses have that going for us, which is nice.
Los Angeles Lakers 45.5
Under.
This could not have been what LeGOAT envisioned when he took his talents to Tinseltown. Post-Dan-Gilbert-Comic-Sans-Runaway-Slave-Letter he made the Miami Heat perennially elite, then delivered on the promise of bringing Cleveland its first title since LBJ was serving out the end of the administration elected prior to the Kennedy Assassination. Magic Johnson was in the building. Anthony Davis was on the way to serve as a contingency against aging like normal human beings. Kobe Bryant was alive to lowkey shade him, rather than transition into being tragically snatched from the sky into an Eternal Symbol of Martyred Lakerdom, leading to few being able to discuss his career or conduct as a Laker with any degree of rationality, including Jeanie. An empty arena in a Disney Petri Dish was the location for a title celebration. Despite all that the only reason he didn’t lead the league in scoring last season at 39, as the NBA’s oldest relevant player, was deciding against playing out the string to pad post-elimination.
*LeSigh*
“Expect the stagnation to continue until our January crop report”-Randolphe Duke
The Westbrook Experiment, which I’ll admit I thought might work as a low-risk way to spell Bron on nights off or lighten his heavy workload playing in on-ball situations, is a disaster. This will not change. But it’s more due to how badly it hamstrings roster optionality, especially when being run by a Rob Lowe lookalike whose greatest prior claim to fame before becoming a GM was being Kobe’s agent. There isn’t anyone they can trade Russ for helpful towards winning this season, at least not until we get closer to a time when he becomes an expiring or without including their draft picks in the future. And buying him out is even worse due to it surrendering that asset. Anthony Davis’ shooting from outside while outside the bubble has been downright Westbrickian. This would be a lot less of a problem if he would play center or stay healthy. This basically is going to be a lost year at the end of the NBA’s greatest career, so Bron might as well just try to have fun passing Kareem for the all-time lead while doing lots of scoring.
Memphis Grizzlies 48.5
OVER.
This line will be taken as disrespect by a young hungry team like the Grizz. And make no mistake, it is. These guys were a two seed that won 56 games last season. Now they’re gonna finish with less than 50? Pfff…say it with me, then call your bookie.
Ja Morant’s current style of play…undersized, relentless, supremely athletic…is not built to last, but he’s in ascent not apex. Jaren Jackson, Desmond Bane, Dillon Brooks, Tyus Jones…these guys are all between the ages of 22 to 26. That gets better, not worse, the longer they stay together with health permitting. Shoot, even Steven Adams is still under 30 and he feels like Jason Momoa’s age since arriving in OKC by way of the first Harden trade. The Memphis Grizzlies continue to merge city and team better than anybody, despite being a transplanted expansion franchise, with as many grizzly bears in Tennessee as jazz greats in Utah.
"Sounds to me like you guys are a couple of bookies."-Billy Ray Valentine
You might wanna put this over bet in at two different places.
Miami Heat 48.5
UNDER.
When it comes to this Heat team, consider me to be a Ms. Melodie-esque skeptic.
They been trying to tell me the Miami Heat post-Bron could win a championship.
Nah Man, I Ain’t Buyin’ It.
They try to front like Scam Adebayo & Tyler Herro are superstars.
Nah Man, I Ain’t Buyin’ It.
Heat Culture claims their wack name on the front is bigger than the one on back of it.
Nah Man, I Ain’t Buyin’ It.
They tried to tell us Kyle Lowry ain’t lookin’ like Larry Holmes, flabby and sick.
Nah Man, I Ain’t Buyin’ It.
Billy Ray Valentine: “I do not drink, it is against my religion!”
Coleman: “Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.”
Y’all can keep sipping that Heat Culture Kool-Aid if you want but Pat Riley’s old, Lowry’s bad, and this looks like a play-in team to me.
Milwaukee Bucks 52.5
OVER.
Bucks may be back-to-back champs if their second-best player, Khris Middleton, isn’t injured last postseason, which was at very least helpful in Boston prevailing. Then again, if Kevin Durant toe hadn’t been on the line as he almost literally beat the Bucks by himself in the 2021 Eastern Conference Semis, they wouldn’t have any ring. The playoffs aren’t just about talent, or will, but inches, and injuries. I expect to see Giannis & Company rested, ready to beat on the rest of the league like they stole something.
“Looking good, Billy Ray!
“Feeling good, Louis!"
Giannis and Khris, whowith Jrue Holiday on Team USA played way too much basketball for a player of his age over the eighteen months before this last offseason, now get to head into a season with more rest than they’ve ever had as a collective. They can also cop the plea, fairly reasonably, that they’re still the championship team to beat. Fear the Deer perched in the catbird seat. There’s some leftover champagne, chilling in a Bucks facility basement, that if uncorked in June will still taste pretty sweet.
Minnesota Timberwolves 49.5
UNDER.
Danny Ainge robbed the new Minnesota brass without a gun to bring in the new TWolves scout-turned-GM’s Prodigal COVID Son, Rudy “Stifle Yawn” Gobert…a man strategically exposed in every playoff, now on a franchise that hasn’t won a playoff round since George W. Bush’s first term. The two main reasons (prior relationship with an exec, going hard to nullify the weaknesses of a non-superstar perennial loser franchise player in KAT) are the kind of thing you see done by a striving-for-mediocrity-rather-than-sorry team. I like Anthony Edwards, a great young guard who gave one of the finest athlete-acting performances ever in this past summer’s Adam Sandler Netflix basketball movie Hustle. But if you think this core is ever coalescing at the same time to win something, it's time to come in from the cold and snap out that dream.
"Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!"-Winthorpe to The Dukes
Minnesota’s best player Anthony Edwards hasn’t been paid out yet but they’re already near the luxury-tax with two max contracts. All for a roster that tops out at optimistically at second-round exit but more likely play-in team. That ugly truth is cold like Minnesota. Don’t cough or wipe on the mic.
New Orleans Pelicans 44.5
OVER.
I like this Pelican team. If they (read: Zion Williamson) can stay healthy their upside might even surpass Memphis. It took awhile to come together for almost-fired GM David Griffin, but I like what I see coming into 2022/2023. You’ve got a good young coach in Willie Green. CJ McCollum is a perfect veteran to pair with a young squad needing direction. Brandon Ingram took more time to develop than the Lakers or Stan Van Gundy might have had to wait, but now he’s a legit secondary star to pair with a healthy Zion. Herb Jones was a 3-and-D guy immediately as a rookie along with two more who made contributions early in bulldog guard Jose Alvarado and sniper wing Trey Murphy III. Even without Zion, this could probably be a .500 team. But if Zion plays 60 to 70? This over is a guarantee.
“We’ve had some complaints about con man pretending to be blind with no legs.”-Philadelphia Policeman
The whispers about Zion Williamson, the injured-young-star-in-waiting struggling with lower body and weight issues when not in a game dominating, grew loud last season in part due to New Orleans’ bad messaging and his team’s communication.
But he should be rested and healthy. If things falter from here, it may just not be meant to be.
New York Knicks 38.5
OVER.
Look, no one enjoys laughing at James Dolan’s expense, or enjoying some good Knicks unintentional comedy, more than me. But I actually believe Camden’s Worldwide Wes & Dem Boys had a good offseason. Enough to surpass 41 wins for the first time in a decade, which leaves room to spare when they’re only required to hit 39 for this over. Jalen Brunson is not a star, but he’s a solid player. He’ll be missed in Dallas and an addition to New York while also better mentally equipped to bear the cross of being the Knicks best player than the guy above who melted down last year, or really beginning in the prior season’s playoff exit where he reminded us “hey, I’m Julius Randle, not LaPhonso Ellis”.
“Good Morning, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah…Vietnam did this to me but I’m not bitter.”-Billy Ray Valentine
The United States still had two more years left at war in Vietnam last time the Knicks won.
The truth is far more hilariously amazing than fiction.
Oklahoma City Thunder 23.5
UNDER.
Unless it’s a potential young dynasty containing KD, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden coming off a Finals appearance all under age 23…or Gulf War Vet turned domestic terrorist Timothy McVeigh flying a plane into a federal building, nobody really cares much about anything happening in Oklahoma City besides tales of hotel hauntings. This is how it become perfect cover for a four year long and counting tankathon performed by supposed executive hoops wizard Sam Presti. Even trading for CP3’s then-untradeable contract, who resurrected his career by actually agreeing to stay for a year to play, was informed by the same tanking philosophies that led to the Thunder sending Al Horford on a yearlong paid sabbatical before shipping him to the only place he belongs, Boston.
“You Want Me To Break Something Else?”-Billy Ray Valentine
This year there was buzz things might be different with the drafting of Chet Holmgren. We never believed in that for a second, but summer league buzz at least showed this situation would be worth monitoring for Basketball Twitter overreaction comedy. Those hopes got dashed when he snapped something while trying to block a shot by LeBron James in a charity pickup game. By the time Chet gets back, we’ll likely be too preoccupied with Victor to approach things with the same vigor. Pour a little liquor out for Gonzaga pros since John Stockton, Chet’s recovery, and development of something resembling an NBA body.
Orlando Magic 26.5
OVER.
The Magic finally nabbed a number one-pick for the first time since Dwight Howard, despite having been bad since the Dwight Howard trade. Of course, they did so in a year where it was coveted far less than next year’s top three will be. This should still help put a rudderless yet improving franchise in perfect position to miss the playoffs but be reasonably competitive. Congrats, I guess. “Uh-Oh, It’s Magic!”©Ric Ocasek
Mind you, we like former Dukie Paolo Banchero as a pro prospect despite his name reminding of us of a long lost Keebler crack at a tortilla snack with this unforgettable jingle at the dawn of the nineties.
I almost thought I might have dreamed that whole thing up, unlike Keebler Tato Skins which I can still taste via childhood sense memory. But on YouTube you can find almost anything that occurred commercially from the VHS era forward.
Anyway, where was I…oh yeah, Banchero. Our guy Paolo is yet another in a long list of Seattle players who ascended to NBA fame in the twenty-first century: Jason Terry, Jamal Crawford, Brandon Roy, Marvin Williams, Rodney Stuckey, Tony “TTP” Wroten, Dejountae Murray, Kevin Porter Jr, and Zach LaVine.
That’s an impressive list, better than New York City over the same span, particularly for a city that’s six-percent black with them mostly all playing at the same gym. It’s like a basketball version of what the Minneapolis Sound (Prince, Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis, Alexander O’Neal, Jesse Johnson, Morris Day, Vanity 6, The Family) contingent was doing in the eighties musically from a similar demographic percentage.
Am I going down questionable cultural rabbit-holes to avoid talking about the Orlando Magic? Perhaps. But Orlando is a city more known for the Disney Bubble than this team lately. Still, they’re not tanking, so we’ll predict an over here, with Paolo as our pick for NBA Rookie of the Year.
”My God! The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!”
Do you believe in Magic? To cover this over/under, sure…okay, possibly maybe. But to build this thing into doing real winning for the first time since Dwight Howard was in a Magic uniform draped in a Superman capes during All-Star Weekend while playing Big Guy Smiley? Not really.
This franchise from the Orange Juice Producing State seated inside the land of Disney World and Boy Bands has seen some similar dreams deferred since Shaq fled 25 years ago for La-La-Land. Meanwhile, speaking of dreams deferred, Soft Eyes is hurt again.
Philadelphia 76ers 50.5
OVER.
I had a notion to go under on this one, to subvert my expectations and try making the annual failure at the end hurt less. But the reality is this number is below the Sixer average for wins since Joel Embiid started playing routinely five years ago in seasons not shortened due to COVID. And this year they’ve got Embiid, a potentially rejuvenated Harden, plus an improving Tyrese Maxey. That should be enough to get this done with the fairly minor improvements they made to the roster over the offseason, while GM Darryl Morey still wrestles with colossal mistakes made by past front-office regimes.
“In Philadelphia, it’s worth fifty bucks.” -Pawn Shop Bo Diddley
Look, Tobias Harris seems like a nice guy. He might be a nice player elsewhere too. He can score and get you some rebounds while not being a sieve on D. But he’s not a catch-and-shoot-guy, go-to-scorer in late-game situations, nor plus defender individually. Therefore that place can’t be here. And hasn’t really been anywhere that was winning anything before he got here when looking objectively. The amount of Hinkie-accrued assets that the Elton Brand/Young Colangelo Leftover/Brett Brown-controlled front-office of chaos gave up to get him from the Clippers while on the verge of free-agency was preposterous. The max contract they awarded him as a Jimmy Butler Hedge to spare Ben & Brett’s feelings has been an albatross for four seasons. He needs to be moved for fit depth or included in a bigger deal by the trade deadline. With Tobias Harris in Philadelphia as the highest-salaried guy and fourth-best player on the team, like Adrian Balboa in Rocky IV exclaimed, “You Can’t Win!”. And before someone says something about how her prediction turned out, let me remind you this is the NBA, Ivan Drago is not walking thru that door.
Postscript: shout-out to one of the greatest cameos by a musician that we failed to mention in a recent episode of The Five Spot.
Portland Trail Blazers 39.5
UNDER. What is the deal with this team? What is their objective? The clock looks to be running out on Dame Time as a guy who can carry you or warrant his price tag. Swaggier Brad Beal Vibes. They’ve traded backcourt mate CJ McCollum. Jusuf Nurkic will be hurt again soon. Anfernee Simons is a young player with promise who basically plays the same position as Dame. Jerami Grant is a nice player at a high price tag while not a clear fit. This team is in NBA purgatory in a city that seems so obsessed with their team they’d rather flirt with .500 than live thru the rebuild needed since sneaking into a 2019 Conference Finals sweep.
“This is the sports watch of the 1980s. Six thousand, nine hundred and fifty-five dollars retail!”-Louis Winthorpe
Damien Lillard will be making $63 million in 2027 and might already be past his prime as we speak. Yeesh.
Sacramento Kings 33.5
UNDER.
Do we really need to say anything? They’re the damn Sacramento Kings.
”Get The F#ck Out”-Billy Ray Valentine
That’s the best advice I can give to anyone in Sacramento who wants to win.
San Antonio Spurs 22.5
UNDER.
Make no mistake, the man who introduced the league to load management with box scores reading things like “Tim Duncan-DNP-Old” would not be above tanking for a worthy cause. And well, he found one. He also found a way to sell high on a guy, Dejountae Murray, who was either overvalued off looter-in-a-riot statistics, or good enough to mess this tank up. Either way, he had to go. Can you even name two starters on San Antonio? I didn’t think so. The entire starting unit is 22 or younger besides is their 27-year-old center out of Utah, Jakob Poeltl. Their bench players are journeymen Josh Richardson and Dougie McBuckets.
This Spurs team has probably been ready for a rebuild since Kawhi and Uncle Dennis forced a trade after fallout with the training staff in 2018. Now that Pop is finally done Team USA obligations, he seems ready to do it on his way out. Pop and RC are too classy to hand heir-apparent Brett Brown an expansion-level roster. His W/L record may never recover from his first three years with the Sixers. The Spurs will do their best to leave him Wembanyama. Que sera, sera.
“Can’t get around the old minimum wage, Moritmer.”-Louis Winthorpe III
Whatever the floor for NBA salaries is this season, the Spurs have to be right around it. Everyone on this team seems either on rookie or one-year-deals, or if they’re making any money beyond that like McBuckets, it’s with a contract that will be an expiring asset next year. Rather than pay Murray, the Spurs elected to shoot for maximum “optionality”. Seems like a wise choice in the position they’re in, with a fanbase whose trust they’ve earned over several decades.
Toronto Raptors 45.5
UNDER.
Why am I supposed to believe this Raptor team is going to be so much better this season? Pascal Siakem’s inconsistent production and sharp elbows? Gary Trent’s Junior’s PER? Fred VanVleet being an All-Star last year? The fact that they didn’t trade Scottie Freaking Barnes for Kevin MF-ing Durant?! I can’t.
That is a remember that time waiting to happen. Thanks also to Raptors fans, last seen in the playoffs cheering Durant’s snapped Achilles’ in the Final, resurfacing again cheering Siakem shattering Embiid’s orbital bone. If you can’t beat em, maim ‘em. Whenever anyone mentions Canadian docility in a sports context, mention either of these or the Vancouver Stanley Cup Riots.
Billy Ray:
Merry New Year!
Beeks:
That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year."
Billy Ray:
Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!
Colour Me Unimpressed.
Utah Jazz 24.5
OVER.
Remember when Dwayne Wade joined the Jazz front office? That was weird. Remember then how the Jazz turned right around and hired conquering BYU hero among Mormon basketballers Danny Ainge, who spent quite lots of time running the Celtics publicly hating on Dwayne Wade? That didn’t seem like a good fit. The fact that both tried to tell us they were happily aligned but I still can’t find a single photo of them together since they ‘joined forces’ speaks volumes. As does Danny Ainge bullshitting in public about wanting to keep Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell, then shipping both out before game one for King’s Ransoms. Reminds me of when Ainge acted like he was gonna draft Soft Eyes over Tatum at #1 as Celtics Prez, just so he could rob Lil Colangelo and the Sixers for an additional lottery pick. I’ve hated Ainge, as a player, coach, commentator, and General Manager. But goddamn, he’s good.
“Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the unlimited carnage you are about to witness. Superbowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One moment you're up half a mil in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?”-Louis Winthorpe III
Danny Ainge would cheat his own mother out of her bingo change. You think he doesn’t see new owner/executive rubes looking to make a splash coming miles away? The Cleveland Mitchell trade was steep, but the Gobert trade might be his all-time heist masterpiece. And something tells me he isn’t done yet stripping this foundation down to the studs.
Washington Wizards 35.5
UNDER.
You know when they say “last but not least”?
Here last may really be.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect the Wizards to be the worst team in the league. But a team in a sports city currently this bleak (Washington Commodores still held hostage by Dan Snyder, Washington Nationals dumping talent with a for-sale sign out front, an aging Washington Capitals team led by thirtysomething legend Alex Ovechkin) alienating fan passions has its doppelganger in this boring roster, led by an already-injured-again-doomed-to-be-eternally-frustrating Kristaps Porzingis and Bradley Beal scoring 30 while making 50 but never moving the meter while now immovable in a deal if they wanted to rebuild.
For my DC friends as I write this from a position of privilege in the Philly Renaissance discussed from the premiere episode of Da Bombast on, I’d wish you good luck but leadership down there wouldn’t know what to do with it if it fell in their lap. Maybe not the best word choice discussing a group that includes Dan Snyder, so let’s just move on.
“Hold On…Fuck Off.”-Clarence Beeks
^^^Wizard Fans annual answer from the franchise asking when they’ll finally win 50 games.
And on that note, we bid you adieu, at the end of a seemingly simple gimmick that took way too long to do.
Stay locked here for a new ep of The Five Spot on the other side of the weekend + a new Bombast next Friday.
We’re back in the content-creation flow, dripping like Wudder with publishing, audio, and soon enough, video content.
Maybe in 2023 we’ll see another Laker/Sixer Final…
